It has been a busy month. Summer finally arrived. I take a deep breath. My body loves the heat. I eat less naturally. I feast on cherries and strawberries. I pick lettuce from the garden. Eating well is easy. I naturally drop about 5 pounds as I feast on fresh local produce. I feel happy. I like my body and I like my life.
And then this funny old voice speaks in my head “wouldn’t it be fun to lose 5 more pounds.” What does that mean? Why would it be fun to lose more weight? Whose voice is that? It might be my Mother’s voice. I know it was my bff Nancy’s voice. Cindy used to talk in that voice, as did Joan. It once belonged to Doris. I know it belonged to Jan. Gael has heard that voice too. And it still resides in my head. 20 years of meditation and that voice still resides in my head. It begins to play all by itself, regardless of what I want to listen too. Like my old ipod that always starts on the same song.
I can change the song on my ipod and I can change the refrain in my head. I’m tired of the voice. I’ve been tired of it for years. It is an old refrain. And my true self, my bigger self, doesn’t care about losing weight any more. But still the voice plays on. Drones on. Reasserts itself without my choosing it.
I remind myself: I like my body and I like my life. I am happy. I enjoy feeding myself fresh food. I love picking my own food. I love the miracle of food growing from the earth: soil + water + sun + seeds = food! I think if I sat very still I could observe the zucchini vine lengthening, the berries turning blue, and the apples getting bigger. Next year I’ll plant a wider variety of edibles in my small patch of earth. I'm already looking forward to next years bounty.
I keep returning to loving myself. Feeding myself is an act of love. Starving myself is an act of abuse. What is the most loving thing I can do for myself tonight? A bowl of cherries for desert? Pick plums? I am a happy healthy woman.
It is a good time to be alive. It is a blessing to have this body. Regardless of the voice’s refrain, life would be no more fun if I was thinner. In fact, life would be painful and I would be obsessive if I was actually trying to lose 5 more pounds. Trying to lose weight saps all the joy from my life. And I believe in joy. Joy trumps 5 less pounds any day. And so do the Queen Anne Cherries I picked from a wild tree.
