I found myself saying these words earlier this week: “I'm not trying to lose weight. I like my body the way it is.” I believe these words. I repeat them as a mantra to myself every day. They feel like both a revolution and a betrayal. And, perhaps obviously, I do not believe these words. For I have been programmed my whole life not to believe them. It is time to believe those words. It is time to start a revolution.
To love the bodies that we have is a revolutionary act. It means walking away from the cultural programming that defines beauty in a narrow unattainable way. It means stepping away from the constant self-immolation of the modern female. We are never enough. There is no possible way we could ever be enough. As the Duchess of Windsor famously said: “you can never be too rich or too thin.” We live on that sacrificial altar, perpetually starving the body into compliance or berating ourselves for eating too much. If we are successful at the endeavor of attaining ideal weight, we may die of madness or anorexia. If we are unsuccessful, we are always postponing life until after we have lost the weight.
To love the bodies that we have is a revolutionary act. We step down off the altar of self abuse. We step into our bodies. We walk through our grief, anger, pain, and denial. We discover that our emotions will not kill us. We can ride our full emotional range without being destroyed. We may even come to enjoy the ride more than the starved presence of anorexia or the drugged presence of overeating. When we shift our attention away from food, we discover that life is pretty good.
To love the bodies we have is a revolutionary act. It means claiming the self. It means claiming pleasure and pain, joy and suffering. It means stepping into our animal being: yes, this body is mine. I feed it, I clean it, I love it. It is what I hold first and foremost in the world. If I do not care for this body, I cannot fully live this life. Caring for this body is my primary responsibility. The rest comes after.
To love the bodies that we have is a revolutionary act. Because to love our bodies we have to love the earth around us. We discover that we are equals with all the creatures of the earth. We share this place. Our health and their health are intertwined. To feed and care for our bodies well means feeding and caring for the planet. We are responsible for the health of the world. We cannot walk away from that responsibility.
To love the bodies that we have is a revolutionary act. It frees us from consumer culture and the story that tells us we will not be happy until we satisfy some manufactured need. Our most basic need is to care for the self. When we are well care for, when these needs are met, we can work for the good of the whole. Not only do we step down from the altar of self abuse, we step off the treadmill of consumption. We discover what makes us truly happy. We discover a deeper pleasure that arises from being our human bodied animal selves. We become free.
To love the bodies we have is a revolutionary act. Act Up!
© Lisa Wells 2010
5/24/10
The Ghosts of Diet's Past
Diets are attempts to make sense of the world. My longing tells me that if I could just stick to a diet, all would be well. Magical thinking tells me that if I lost weight, I could return to eating as I have before but with a new body. Magical thinking tells me that a one time diet fix will fix me. (And yes, the media will keep feeding that magical thinking to sell more diets, diet foods, and diet books.)
Here are some of the diets that I have tried:
The grapefruit diet.
The fasting for 3 days at a time diet.
The 1000 calorie/day diet.
The run 5 miles/day diet.
The no white sugar diet.
The no high fructose corn syrup diet.
The no wheat diet.
The all raw food diet.
The tuna diet.
The low carb diet.
The Atkins diet.
The one piece of chocolate a day diet.
The no breakfast diet.
The no dinner diet.
The diet tea diet.
There have been many more. I forget them all. I’ve made them up or read about them or someone told me what was working for them and I thought I’d give it a try.
I attach to a new diet as plan for living, a way to solve my problems. They usually work for a while. I’m liable to lose weight if I stick to the diet for some period of time. I feel good about myself because I am thinner. I, of course, prefer those diets with instantaneous results. The more radical the better. I come to believe that the diet is the solution. If only I could stick to the diet, then everything will be okay.
I can use a diet to lose weight. But all diets are a trick. Eventually I reach some threshold of deprivation. I’m underfed, hungry, angry, cranky, lonely, tired. I become a bad parent, a bad partner, a bad friend. To maintain the diet, my life has to revolve around what I am or am not eating. There is no fun in the life of the dieter.
The flip side of my magical beliefs around diets, is that I believe that my weight is my problem. If only I were thinner life would be … easier, happier, smoother, more successful... I blame myself and my lack of will power for my problems. I become attached to the story that I cannot truly live my life until I loose the weight.
It is all a bunch of crap. My happiness does not depend upon my weight. A diet is a never a solution, but only feeds my problems by feeding my shame. There is no diet that is a solution. Diets are a path to continue living in hell while holding onto the eternal hope of entering heaven when I just get my food in order.
The only way out is to quit dieting all together. The only way out is to learn to eat to nourish and care for myself rather than to reward or punish myself. The only way out is to become a mindful eater.
Here are some of the diets that I have tried:
The grapefruit diet.
The fasting for 3 days at a time diet.
The 1000 calorie/day diet.
The run 5 miles/day diet.
The no white sugar diet.
The no high fructose corn syrup diet.
The no wheat diet.
The all raw food diet.
The tuna diet.
The low carb diet.
The Atkins diet.
The one piece of chocolate a day diet.
The no breakfast diet.
The no dinner diet.
The diet tea diet.
There have been many more. I forget them all. I’ve made them up or read about them or someone told me what was working for them and I thought I’d give it a try.
I attach to a new diet as plan for living, a way to solve my problems. They usually work for a while. I’m liable to lose weight if I stick to the diet for some period of time. I feel good about myself because I am thinner. I, of course, prefer those diets with instantaneous results. The more radical the better. I come to believe that the diet is the solution. If only I could stick to the diet, then everything will be okay.
I can use a diet to lose weight. But all diets are a trick. Eventually I reach some threshold of deprivation. I’m underfed, hungry, angry, cranky, lonely, tired. I become a bad parent, a bad partner, a bad friend. To maintain the diet, my life has to revolve around what I am or am not eating. There is no fun in the life of the dieter.
The flip side of my magical beliefs around diets, is that I believe that my weight is my problem. If only I were thinner life would be … easier, happier, smoother, more successful... I blame myself and my lack of will power for my problems. I become attached to the story that I cannot truly live my life until I loose the weight.
It is all a bunch of crap. My happiness does not depend upon my weight. A diet is a never a solution, but only feeds my problems by feeding my shame. There is no diet that is a solution. Diets are a path to continue living in hell while holding onto the eternal hope of entering heaven when I just get my food in order.
The only way out is to quit dieting all together. The only way out is to learn to eat to nourish and care for myself rather than to reward or punish myself. The only way out is to become a mindful eater.
5/18/10
Epsom Salt Bath Epiphany
Last week I had a painful toe. I wasn’t sure what happened. But I couldn’t take my usual Friday morning walk because my toe was too painful. The skin was red and the toe was swollen. I have neuropathy in that toe, so I thought maye I had irritated the nerve. Some shoes or yoga postures can do that, or maybe I had stubbed it and forgotten. I usually know when I injure myself and this pain seemed to come out of nowhere.
My husband suggested an Epsom salt bath. I figured it couldn’t hurt. I didn’t anticipate a miracle cure. It was one. Immediately after the bath it felt better and after a second bath on Saturday morning it was ‘as good as new.’ Swelling gone, reddening fading. Wow. How'd that happen.
So I went online and did a little research. Seems our bodies have a hard time getting sufficient magnesium. It is hard to digest through the gut, but easy to absorb through the skin. Magnesium deficiency results in all kinds of disorders, from muscle pain, back aches, TMJ, muscle twitches, and nerve pain, to panic attacks, restlessness, migraines and irritability. Magnesium is also necessary for insulin stability and deficiencies may be linked to type 2 diabetes.
The easiest way to get magnesium is by soaking in an Epsom salt bath. Bonus: you leave the tub relaxed and smiling. I got hit by a virus today. My whole body was in pain and I've been dizzy and nauseous. I treated my self to a whole body Epsom salt bath. It released the muscles spasms from my spine and neck. My leg muscles relaxed. It didn’t cure the dizziness or nausea. But I sure feel better than before.
My husband suggested an Epsom salt bath. I figured it couldn’t hurt. I didn’t anticipate a miracle cure. It was one. Immediately after the bath it felt better and after a second bath on Saturday morning it was ‘as good as new.’ Swelling gone, reddening fading. Wow. How'd that happen.
So I went online and did a little research. Seems our bodies have a hard time getting sufficient magnesium. It is hard to digest through the gut, but easy to absorb through the skin. Magnesium deficiency results in all kinds of disorders, from muscle pain, back aches, TMJ, muscle twitches, and nerve pain, to panic attacks, restlessness, migraines and irritability. Magnesium is also necessary for insulin stability and deficiencies may be linked to type 2 diabetes.
The easiest way to get magnesium is by soaking in an Epsom salt bath. Bonus: you leave the tub relaxed and smiling. I got hit by a virus today. My whole body was in pain and I've been dizzy and nauseous. I treated my self to a whole body Epsom salt bath. It released the muscles spasms from my spine and neck. My leg muscles relaxed. It didn’t cure the dizziness or nausea. But I sure feel better than before.
5/17/10
Gut-knowing eating
Gut Knowing Eating
Our bodies are brilliant and wise. They read the room to tell us if we are safe. They know what foods we should eat and when we should exercise. They are attracted to what is healthy for us and repulsed by what is dangerous. Our bodies are brilliant and wise. If only we would listen.
We humans have been hijacked by our frontal cortex. This isn’t all bad. Our brains are very useful and they have invented many useful things, like computers and the internet. We lead comfortable lives because of the innovations of our frontal cortex. They keep us occupied and entertained. But they have taken over the show and we’ve lost connection to our deeper knowing. We’ve lost our connection to our gut.
Sit in a public place sometime and watch the way people walk and move in the world. Most of us literally walk head first into the world. When our head leads our bodies, i.e. head physically-positioned forward of our torsos, the whole body must be engaged to hold the head upright. We’ve sacrificed our bodies to our heads.
Our frontal cortex enjoys dopamine fixes, the short term pleasure response stimulated by food, alcohol, drugs and a host of other process and substance addictions. When the mind makes the food choices, we often choose to feed the pleasure system rather than feed nutritional needs of the body. My mind will choose fatty sweet salty crunchy over healthy most any day.
I’ve been practicing mindful eating: my goal is to pay attention and feed my body what it calls for. Maybe I should call it gut-wisdom eating instead of mindful eating. I slow down and listen to my gut before and during meals. I turn my mind, my awareness, and my distractible frontal lobe, to the wisdom of my body. What does my gut want? What does my body need? Protein, veggies, fruit or grain? Those are the basic nutritional elements. Once I’ve made an assessment of what my body needs, then I can think about the foods that are at hand. How do I fill my body’s need? What will satisfy my gut rather than satisfy my mind. During my meal I stop often and ask my gut again: are you satisfied? Have you gotten what you need? Are we finished or do we need more?
I’m surprised to find that my body only wants about half as much food as my mind wants. I have to get over my ‘clean plate club’ mentality. The uneaten food won’t go to waste. My eating this food will not save a starving child in China. This morning I put half my breakfast of fruit and yogurt back into the fridge. I’ll come back and eat it later as a snack, or I’ll compost it or give it to the dog. It would be a bigger violence to force it into my stomach than to recycle it back to the earth.
There is a deep sense of physical ease when your body is well nourished. It is a different sensation than the mental relief that comes by feeding an addictive craving. As I nurture my body, the physical response to food is satisfying and sensual. I feel satiated when I’m though. I feel more present in my body rather than less present.
Listen to your body. It is very wise.
Our bodies are brilliant and wise. They read the room to tell us if we are safe. They know what foods we should eat and when we should exercise. They are attracted to what is healthy for us and repulsed by what is dangerous. Our bodies are brilliant and wise. If only we would listen.
We humans have been hijacked by our frontal cortex. This isn’t all bad. Our brains are very useful and they have invented many useful things, like computers and the internet. We lead comfortable lives because of the innovations of our frontal cortex. They keep us occupied and entertained. But they have taken over the show and we’ve lost connection to our deeper knowing. We’ve lost our connection to our gut.
Sit in a public place sometime and watch the way people walk and move in the world. Most of us literally walk head first into the world. When our head leads our bodies, i.e. head physically-positioned forward of our torsos, the whole body must be engaged to hold the head upright. We’ve sacrificed our bodies to our heads.
Our frontal cortex enjoys dopamine fixes, the short term pleasure response stimulated by food, alcohol, drugs and a host of other process and substance addictions. When the mind makes the food choices, we often choose to feed the pleasure system rather than feed nutritional needs of the body. My mind will choose fatty sweet salty crunchy over healthy most any day.
I’ve been practicing mindful eating: my goal is to pay attention and feed my body what it calls for. Maybe I should call it gut-wisdom eating instead of mindful eating. I slow down and listen to my gut before and during meals. I turn my mind, my awareness, and my distractible frontal lobe, to the wisdom of my body. What does my gut want? What does my body need? Protein, veggies, fruit or grain? Those are the basic nutritional elements. Once I’ve made an assessment of what my body needs, then I can think about the foods that are at hand. How do I fill my body’s need? What will satisfy my gut rather than satisfy my mind. During my meal I stop often and ask my gut again: are you satisfied? Have you gotten what you need? Are we finished or do we need more?
I’m surprised to find that my body only wants about half as much food as my mind wants. I have to get over my ‘clean plate club’ mentality. The uneaten food won’t go to waste. My eating this food will not save a starving child in China. This morning I put half my breakfast of fruit and yogurt back into the fridge. I’ll come back and eat it later as a snack, or I’ll compost it or give it to the dog. It would be a bigger violence to force it into my stomach than to recycle it back to the earth.
There is a deep sense of physical ease when your body is well nourished. It is a different sensation than the mental relief that comes by feeding an addictive craving. As I nurture my body, the physical response to food is satisfying and sensual. I feel satiated when I’m though. I feel more present in my body rather than less present.
Listen to your body. It is very wise.
5/13/10
Confessions of an addict: Food as Drug
Last week was a hard week. I had numerous emotional challenges and conflicts to face. My neighbor was angry with me and my adolescent son was struggling. I am conflict adverse. I avoid it, I don’t like it, I’d rather not… So, it was a difficult week and part of me just wanted to avoid my life and run away.
I went to Trader Joes to shop. I love Trader Joes. I grew up with the first TJs in East Pasadena. I have watched them evolve and grow. They stock some good foods that no one else has and they sell them for a fair price. And, for this food addict, TJs is a junk-food Store masquerading as a health-food Store. I’m especially vulnerable to the area over the frozen foods, an aisle of cookies and candies that are packaged and marketed to appear healthy. I’m not sure why I think chocolate-covered raisins from Trader Joes are healthier than a candy bar from Fred Meyers, but I do.
So I went to TJs with the intention of buying nuts and bread, and I came home with chocolate-covered raisins. Kind of like an addict casually stopping by their dealer’s to say hello, but really needing up their stash. I notice that I even have a cute nickname for Trader Joes: TJs. I treat the store like an old friend who can supply me with what I need.
With the chocolate in the cupboard, I knew my fix was there. I could go in the kitchen and grab a handful when fear or panic arose in my body. I noticed that when I eat chocolate as a drug, I don’t want to watch myself eat. I don’t pay attention to eating. There is no pleasure in the act of eating. I’m not even conscious when I walk into the kitchen to get the food. I ‘come to’ swallowing the chocolate and realize I am eating.
I don’t remember the exact sequence of last week’s eating, there were some chocolate-covered-raisin mini-binges between my mindful meals. I know that the binges were small and I could argue I was just making a choice to eat chocolate. I didn’t stuff myself with food. I didn’t have a sugar hang over. But I let the food take the edge off my anxiety, “mother’s little helper.” And I came to with food in my mouth not having intended to eat it. That's bingeing, not mindful eating.
And I was able to set the food down before I confronted my neighbor. I was able to knock on her door and face her anger without drugging myself before hand. Her anger did not kill me. My anger didn’t kill me. It wasn’t the most graceful of confrontations, but I said what I needed to say and things seem to have settled down for now. I've been able to work with my son. It seems we're moving in the right direction. I pray that is so.
The chocolate raisins are all gone. I don’t know who finished them. They have been gone since late last week and I have felt no compulsion to replace them. I am at ease in my body again and able to eat my food mindfully without bingeing. My problems have not disappeared, but my panic has abated. I know that I can face anger without chocolate. I know that my anger won’t kill me. Wow, who would’a thunk it?
I went to Trader Joes to shop. I love Trader Joes. I grew up with the first TJs in East Pasadena. I have watched them evolve and grow. They stock some good foods that no one else has and they sell them for a fair price. And, for this food addict, TJs is a junk-food Store masquerading as a health-food Store. I’m especially vulnerable to the area over the frozen foods, an aisle of cookies and candies that are packaged and marketed to appear healthy. I’m not sure why I think chocolate-covered raisins from Trader Joes are healthier than a candy bar from Fred Meyers, but I do.
So I went to TJs with the intention of buying nuts and bread, and I came home with chocolate-covered raisins. Kind of like an addict casually stopping by their dealer’s to say hello, but really needing up their stash. I notice that I even have a cute nickname for Trader Joes: TJs. I treat the store like an old friend who can supply me with what I need.
With the chocolate in the cupboard, I knew my fix was there. I could go in the kitchen and grab a handful when fear or panic arose in my body. I noticed that when I eat chocolate as a drug, I don’t want to watch myself eat. I don’t pay attention to eating. There is no pleasure in the act of eating. I’m not even conscious when I walk into the kitchen to get the food. I ‘come to’ swallowing the chocolate and realize I am eating.
I don’t remember the exact sequence of last week’s eating, there were some chocolate-covered-raisin mini-binges between my mindful meals. I know that the binges were small and I could argue I was just making a choice to eat chocolate. I didn’t stuff myself with food. I didn’t have a sugar hang over. But I let the food take the edge off my anxiety, “mother’s little helper.” And I came to with food in my mouth not having intended to eat it. That's bingeing, not mindful eating.
And I was able to set the food down before I confronted my neighbor. I was able to knock on her door and face her anger without drugging myself before hand. Her anger did not kill me. My anger didn’t kill me. It wasn’t the most graceful of confrontations, but I said what I needed to say and things seem to have settled down for now. I've been able to work with my son. It seems we're moving in the right direction. I pray that is so.
The chocolate raisins are all gone. I don’t know who finished them. They have been gone since late last week and I have felt no compulsion to replace them. I am at ease in my body again and able to eat my food mindfully without bingeing. My problems have not disappeared, but my panic has abated. I know that I can face anger without chocolate. I know that my anger won’t kill me. Wow, who would’a thunk it?
5/10/10
How to eat
I gave up diets years ago. Diets are a death sentence. I become obsessed with food. My mind constantly wraps itself around what I am eating or what I am not eating. Everything else fades away. I don’t have mental space for anything beyond managing my food. I am constantly battling twin mental demons: hunger and desire. I don’t like myself or the world when food and hunger are the primary focus of my life.
If I allow myself to eat without restraint, I overeat. I head to the cupboard continuously for ‘a little something.’ And that little something tends to be a handful (bowlful?!) of sweets or chocolates or a salty crunchy snack. I will nibble my way to obesity if I allow myself to eat without restraint. I feel bloated and physically ill. My body begins to ache. I loathe myself, my body, and my indulgence. I am not a happy fat person.
Where does life exist between dieting and overeating? Mindful Eating is the current name-of-choice for this state-of-grace. It implies learning to listen to my body. I ask myself to notice the physical signs of hunger and satiation. I choose to eat healthy food when I am hungry. I stop eating when I am physically satisfied, not when I am full. I pay attention while I eat, not watching television, reading a book, or being other wise distracted from the physical action of eating.
As with any meditation, practicing mindful eating is simple but not easy. I set my attentions, take my deep breaths, make a healthy meal. Sometimes I flee. I find myself at the end of a meal with no memory of what has just happened. When did I eat that meal. The plate is empty in front of me and I have crumbs on my shirt. And I’ve been checked out for the last 20 minutes. I didn’t even enjoy the food. I wasn’t present to consume it. My mind went into an altered state.
For today, again, I intend to eat with presence. I intend to eat when I am hungry and stop when I am satiated. I intend to pay attention to my eating. I intend to enjoy every mouthful.
5/6/10
Annointing the Self
I was asked for the recipe of what I use to anoint myself in the mornings. Here is my current mix:
Oils and Creams:
Face: Wild Carrot Organics soulshine (rose scented)
Arms and Legs: Inessecents African Shea Oil Unscented
Lips: Arbourdoun’s Calendula Cream
Tummy: Emrita Phytoestrogen Cream (specifically for menopausal mamas)
Scents:
Wrists: Aura Cacia Lemon pure essential oil
Feet and ankles: Aura Cacia Creative Juice (bergamot, lemon and cardamom)
I start with warm slightly moist skin just after showering. I pour a bit oil into my palm (probably a ¼ to ½ teaspoon). I massage hands and arms first. Then I pour a bit more oil and do my legs and feet. I take a small dollop of soulshine and massage my face, calendula cream for my lips. Then I drop about 4 droplets of lemon on my left wrist and rub the wrists together. I drop about 3 drops of creativity juice on each ankle and rub it in. Finally I rub a teaspoon of phytoestrogen cream some where on my torso. I move it around from place to place each day.
I take a good look in the mirror and say "Good Morning Beautiful!" I particularly give love to my belly, my thighs and my booty. :)
5/5/10
Food Rules
Michael Pollan has written the most common sense guide to eating I have ever read. Rule of the day: if your grandmother would not recognize an ingredient as food, don't eat it. :)
5/1/10
The Scale
To weigh or not to weigh, that is the question. In this post I am talking about weighing ourselves, not our food. Weighing ourselves can become an obsession. If you weigh yourself more than once each day, toss the scale for a while. Lock it up out of sight. Give it to good will. Release it to the universe.
I weigh myself a few times a week. I have an old fashioned dial scale. It weighs me about the same as the one at my doctor's office. It lets me know where I am and it keeps me grounded. If my weight creeps up a few pounds I cut back my consumption a little. I try not to celebrate when my weight goes down a few pounds.
After 51 years, I know that my weight will go up about 5 pounds each winter and down about 5 pounds each summer. I'm coming to terms with the extra 5 pounds that have attached themselves to me with mid life hormonal shifts. This is my middle aged body. My middle is a bit softer than it once was. The softness is good.
I weigh myself and then I let it go. My business is what I eat and how I nourish myself. My weight is out of my control. That 5 pound shift in winter and summer has very little to do with what I eat. The extra 5 pounds of middle age is about hormones and metabolism, not nourishment or movement. So, I weigh myself a few times a week, I say a prayer of thanks for my body, and move on with my day.
I weigh myself a few times a week. I have an old fashioned dial scale. It weighs me about the same as the one at my doctor's office. It lets me know where I am and it keeps me grounded. If my weight creeps up a few pounds I cut back my consumption a little. I try not to celebrate when my weight goes down a few pounds.
After 51 years, I know that my weight will go up about 5 pounds each winter and down about 5 pounds each summer. I'm coming to terms with the extra 5 pounds that have attached themselves to me with mid life hormonal shifts. This is my middle aged body. My middle is a bit softer than it once was. The softness is good.
I weigh myself and then I let it go. My business is what I eat and how I nourish myself. My weight is out of my control. That 5 pound shift in winter and summer has very little to do with what I eat. The extra 5 pounds of middle age is about hormones and metabolism, not nourishment or movement. So, I weigh myself a few times a week, I say a prayer of thanks for my body, and move on with my day.
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