Last week was a hard week. I had numerous emotional challenges and conflicts to face. My neighbor was angry with me and my adolescent son was struggling. I am conflict adverse. I avoid it, I don’t like it, I’d rather not… So, it was a difficult week and part of me just wanted to avoid my life and run away.
I went to Trader Joes to shop. I love Trader Joes. I grew up with the first TJs in East Pasadena. I have watched them evolve and grow. They stock some good foods that no one else has and they sell them for a fair price. And, for this food addict, TJs is a junk-food Store masquerading as a health-food Store. I’m especially vulnerable to the area over the frozen foods, an aisle of cookies and candies that are packaged and marketed to appear healthy. I’m not sure why I think chocolate-covered raisins from Trader Joes are healthier than a candy bar from Fred Meyers, but I do.
So I went to TJs with the intention of buying nuts and bread, and I came home with chocolate-covered raisins. Kind of like an addict casually stopping by their dealer’s to say hello, but really needing up their stash. I notice that I even have a cute nickname for Trader Joes: TJs. I treat the store like an old friend who can supply me with what I need.
With the chocolate in the cupboard, I knew my fix was there. I could go in the kitchen and grab a handful when fear or panic arose in my body. I noticed that when I eat chocolate as a drug, I don’t want to watch myself eat. I don’t pay attention to eating. There is no pleasure in the act of eating. I’m not even conscious when I walk into the kitchen to get the food. I ‘come to’ swallowing the chocolate and realize I am eating.
I don’t remember the exact sequence of last week’s eating, there were some chocolate-covered-raisin mini-binges between my mindful meals. I know that the binges were small and I could argue I was just making a choice to eat chocolate. I didn’t stuff myself with food. I didn’t have a sugar hang over. But I let the food take the edge off my anxiety, “mother’s little helper.” And I came to with food in my mouth not having intended to eat it. That's bingeing, not mindful eating.
And I was able to set the food down before I confronted my neighbor. I was able to knock on her door and face her anger without drugging myself before hand. Her anger did not kill me. My anger didn’t kill me. It wasn’t the most graceful of confrontations, but I said what I needed to say and things seem to have settled down for now. I've been able to work with my son. It seems we're moving in the right direction. I pray that is so.
The chocolate raisins are all gone. I don’t know who finished them. They have been gone since late last week and I have felt no compulsion to replace them. I am at ease in my body again and able to eat my food mindfully without bingeing. My problems have not disappeared, but my panic has abated. I know that I can face anger without chocolate. I know that my anger won’t kill me. Wow, who would’a thunk it?
