Geneen Roth divides us compulsive eaters into two groups: restrictors and permitters. Restrictors restrict their calorie intake. Restrictors watch, measure, and count every bite. Restrictors limit their calorie intake. Restrictors over-exercise. Restrictors like diets because diets give us an illusive sense of control. Restrictors like rules to follow. If I eat by ‘this program,’ (whatever the diet of the day is) then everything will be okay.
Permitters on the other hand throw in the towel before they begin. Permitters are suspect of foods lists, diets, programs and rules. Permitters tend to live in denial about their weight: “I don’t understand how I could have gained 10 pounds, I haven’t done anything different.” Permitters deserve their daily chocolate.
And I think most of us oscillate between these two groups. I can easily envision a permitter/restrictor teeter-totter with me rolling back and forth between the ends. Some days falling to the restrictor side and some days I topple to the permitter side.
Lately I think I’ve been falling on the restrictor side. I started using the application ‘MyNetDiary’ that runs on my iPad. It is designed for restrictors and pushed me right over to that end of the teeter-totter. I pat myself on the back any day my calorie intake is less than the program says I need. Aha, I’ll loose weight, even faster than it says I should. I start feeling like a good girl, a success… until…..
Until I notice that I have become depleted. Until I notice that I am struggling to do my usual exercise. Until I notice that I have no sense of humor left. Until I notice that I short-tempered and arguing with my sons over every little thing. Until I have a persistent headache and feel like my synapses are not firing correctly.
All of these are signs that I have not had enough calories in my diet. Last night I took my sons out to eat. I ate a regular dinner. I wrote it into ‘MyNetDiary.” Oh, dear, I’ve eaten my full allotment of calories today. That creates anxiety. Then, after dinner I had an uncomfortable discussion with my son. My next pass through the kitchen I ate the last bit of a lemon cream cookie I had purchased for the boys earlier in the week. I’d been able to ignore it until that moment. And suddenly I could no longer resist. The cookie put me 100 calories over my caloric allotment. Oh no, I fear tumbling to the permitter side of the teeter-totter.
And today, with those few extra calories in my system, I feel physically good. I have more energy than I had the last few days and my headache is gone. I went for a run and I felt great. In retrospect I don’t think I fell onto the permitter side of the teeter totter. Perhaps I just came back to center, where I want to reside. My body has needed more calories than I have been allowing myself. I don’t feel indulged and I don’t feel deprived. I want to stay here, balanced in the middle of the teeter totter.
And for someone who oscillates, it is an interesting place to reside. It takes willingness to live in the moment. It takes willingness to be present. It is almost like walking a tight rope, to stay balanced between the two ends of the permitter/restrictor teeter-totter.
